LAMAZE CLASS 

A LITTLE BOY AND THE BIG FAMILY BIBLE

 A little boy opened the big family Bible.  He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible.  He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages “Momma, look what I found,”  the boy called out.“What have you got there, dear?”  his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

 Author Unknown 

 FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE 

It was a busy morning, about 8:30am, when an elderly gentleman in his 80’s arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb.  He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.  I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him.  I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.  The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.  He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease.  As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.  He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. I was surprised, and asked him, “And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?” He smiled as he patted my hand and said, “She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.” I had to hold back tears as he left.  I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, “That is the kind of love I want in my life.” True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is being there, in the good times as well as the sad. The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

 Author Unknown

THE SILENT TREATMENT

 A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.  Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00am.”   He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am and he had missed his flight.  Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 am. Wake up.”  Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. 

Author Unknown

 WIFE VS. HUSBAND 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.   As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”  

 Author Unknown

COURT SETS ATHEISTS’ HOLIDAY

 In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The case was brought before a judge.  After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, “Case dismissed!” The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, “Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case?   The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances.  Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah…..yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!” The Judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, “Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists’ holiday!” The lawyer pompously said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists.  Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?” The Judge said, “Well it comes every year on exactly the same date….April 1^st!  Since our calendar sets April 1^st as ‘April Fool’s Day’, consider that Psalm 14:1 states, “The fool says in his heart, there is no God.”  Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by Scripture, he is a fool, and April 1^st is his holiday!” Now,have a good day and get out of my courtroom!!"

 Author Unknown

MENOPAUSE JEWELRY 

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood, it turns a beautiful blue-green. When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond! 

Author Unknown

SLOW DOWN OR STOP 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.  He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.  He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Deputies expense…….. Deputy says, “License and registration, please.” Lawyer says, “What for?” Deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.” Deputy says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop.  License and registration, please.” Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?” Deputy says, “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law.  License and registration, please!” Lawyer says, ”If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not let me go and no ticket.” Deputy says, “Exit your vehicle, sir,”At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-living devil out of the Lawyer and says:  “DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?” 

Author Unknown

JESUS IS WATCHING YOU

 A burglar broke into a house one night.  He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, “Jesus is watching you.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.  When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light and began searching for more valuables.  Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.  Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.  “Did you say that?”  he hissed at the parrot.   “Yep,”  the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.” The burglar relaxed, “Warn me, huh?  Who in the world are you?” “Moses,”  replied the bird. “Moses?”  the burglar laughed.  “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?” “The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.” 

Author Unknown

ORDERING PIZZA IN 2008 

Operator:  Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.  May I have your national ID number?  Customer:  Hi, I’d like to place an order. Operator:  I must have your NIDN first, sir. Customer:  My national ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it’s 6102049998-45-54610  Operator:  Thank you, Mr. Sheehan.   I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Dr, and the phone number is 494-2366.  Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566.  Email address is  http://us.f812.mail.yahoo.com/ymCompose To= This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .                 Which number are you calling from sir? Customer:  Huh?  I’m at home.  Where’d you get all this information?Operator:   We’re wired into the HSS, sir. Customer:  The HSS, what is that? Operator:   We’re wired into the Homeland Security System, sir.  This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time. Customer:  (sighs)  Oh well,   I’d like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas. Operator:   I don’t think that’s a good idea, sir. Customer:  Whaddya mean? Operator:  Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you’ve got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol.  Your National Health Care provider won’t allow such an unhealthy choice…..Customer:   What?  What do you recommend, then? Operator:  You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza.  I’m sure you’ll like it. Customer:   What makes you think I’d like something like that?Operator:    Well, you checked out ‘Gourmet Soybean Recipes’ from your local library last week, sir, !  That’s why I made the suggestion. Customer:   All right, all right.   Give me two family-sized ones, then.  Operator:    That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids.  Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir.  Your total is $49.99. Customer:   Lemme give you my credit card number. Operator:   I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid you’ll have to pay in cash.  Your credit card balance is over its limit. Customer:   I’ll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.Operator:   That won’t work either, sir.  Your checking account is overdrawn also. Customer:  Never mind!  Just send the pizzas.  I’ll have the cash ready.  How long will  it take? Operator:   We’re running a little behind, sir.  It’ll be about 45 minutes, sir.  If you’re in a hurry you might want to pick’em up while you’re out getting the cash, but  then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.Customer:  Wait!  How do you know I ride a scooter? Operator:   It says here you’re in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo’ed. but your Harley’s paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday. Customer:  Well,   I’ll be a #%#^^&$%^^@#!   Operator:  I’d advise watching your language, sir.  You’ve already got a July 4^th 2003, conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for  contempt at your hearing for cussing at a Judge.  Oh, yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility.  Is this your first pizza since your return to society?  Customer:  (speechless)  Operator:  Will there be anything else, sir?  Customer:  Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.  Operator:   I’m sorry sir, but our ad’s exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics.  The New Constitution prohibits this.  Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.   Have a nice day! 

Author Unknown  

THE WOODEN BOWL 

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson.The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table.  But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult.  Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.  When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.  “We must do something about father,” said the son.  “I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating and food on the floor.” So, the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.  There, grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.  Since grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When the family glanced in grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.  Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.  He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?”  Just as sweetly, the boy responded,  “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and mama to eat your food in when I grow up.”The four-year-old smiled and went back to work. The words so struck the parents that they were speechless.  Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.  Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table.  For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family.  And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when  a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled. On a positive note, I’ve learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things:  A rainy day,  the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a ‘living’ is not the same thing as making a ‘life.’ I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch, holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly smile or pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.

 Author Unknown

 THE CAB RIDE

 Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. When I arrived at 2:30 am, the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window.  Under these circumstanced, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, and then drive away.  But,  I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation.  Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door.  This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself. So, I walked to the door and knocked,  “Just a minute”, answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.  After a long pause, the door opened.  A small woman in her 80’s stood before me.  She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940’s movie.  By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years.  All the furniture was covered with sheets.  There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters.  In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware. “Would you carry my bag out to the car?”  she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.  She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.  She kept thanking me for my kindness. “It’s nothing”, I told her.  “I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated.” “Oh, you’re such a good boy”, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, “Could you drive through downtown?” “It’s not the shortest way,”  I answered quickly. “Oh, I don’t mind,” she said.  “I’m in no hurry, I’m on my way to a hospice.” I looked in the rear-view mirror.  Her eyes were glistening. “I don’t have any family left,”  she continued.  “The doctor says I don’t have very long.” I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. “What route would you like me to take?” I asked. For the next two hours, we drove through the city.  She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.  We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds.  She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.  Sometimes she’d ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing. As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, “I’m tired. Let’s go now.” We drove in silence to the address she had given me.  It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up.  They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move.  They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door.  The woman was already seated in a wheelchair. “How much do I owe you?” she asked, reaching into per purse. “Nothing,” I said. “You have to make a living,” she answered. “There are other passengers,” I responded.  Almost without thinking I bent and gave her a hug.  She held onto me tightly. “You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,” she said.  “Thank you.”“I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light.  Behind me, a door shut.  It was the sound of the closing of a life. I didn’t pick up any more passengers that shift.  I drove aimlessly lost in thought.  For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.  What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift?  What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away? On a quick review, I don’t think that I have done anything more important in my life.  We’re conditioned to think our lives revolve around great moments.  But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one. PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.

 Author Unknown  

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER-